WHO IS DITCH?
We've spent a lot of time talking about Ditch. His voice. His music. His temper. His questionable relationship with the delete button. But we haven't actually asked him the obvious question. Who are you?
DITCH“Ditch.”
We wait. He doesn't continue. Glitch sighs.
GLITCH“This is going to be a long fucking interview.”
Ditch smiles.
DITCH“Next question.”
THE OBVIOUS QUESTION
Why are you always angry?
DITCH“I'm not.”
Glitch laughs. Merge doesn't. Ditch leans forward.
DITCH“Anger is useful. There's a difference.”
That gets our attention.
DITCH“Anger tells you something is wrong. Something needs to move. Something needs to stop. Something needs to change.”
So the aggression isn't the point?
DITCH“No. The movement is.”
That explains quite a lot. The music got heavier when Ditch stopped trying to make himself fit inside the music he already loved. The cleaner futurepop disappeared. The guitars got louder. The vocals got closer. The edges stopped being polished. Not because he suddenly hated what came before. Because he'd outgrown it.
DITCH“I'd rather destroy something I love than spend years pretending it still fits.”
Glitch goes quiet. Even Merge looks at him.
DITCH“What?”
GLITCH“Nothing,” says Glitch. “That was almost profound.”
Ditch frowns.
DITCH“Profound?”
He pulls out his phone. A few seconds pass.
DITCH“Oh. That sounds like a compliment.”
Glitch smiles.
GLITCH“Almost.”
DITCH“Fuck off.”
Ditch smirks. Then blushes. Glitch sees it. Ditch sees that Glitch sees it.
DITCH“Not. A. Word.”
Merge looks away. He's smirking too.
SO WHAT DOES DITCH GET WRONG ABOUT DITCH?
Quite a lot, according to the other two. Ditch thinks he's calculated. Glitch thinks he's impulsive.
DITCH“I think very quickly.”
GLITCH“That isn't the same thing.”
DITCH“It is if I'm right.”
Merge raises a finger.
MERGE“No.”
Ditch turns to him. The betrayal is immediate.
DITCH“Et tu, Merge?”
Merge raises an eyebrow.
MERGE“You had to look up profound, but you know Et tu, Brute?”
DITCH“I'm complicated.”
Glitch snorts.
GLITCH“That's one word for it.”
The truth is, Ditch gets excited easily. A new sound. A strange idea. A tool he hasn't tried before. Give him something he doesn't understand and his first instinct isn't to back away. It's to poke it. Preferably until something happens. This has occasionally worked very well for DITCH TH3 GLITCH. It has also resulted in him accidentally deleting an entire track.
Glitch looks up.
GLITCH“We're mentioning that?”
“Yes.”
GLITCH“Good boy, Ditch.”
DITCH“Fuck off.”
She pats him on the head. He lets her. For approximately one second.
DITCH“Okay. That's enough.”
But there's something else Ditch tends to leave out when describing himself. He cares. A lot. About the music. About the ideas. About getting things right. And especially about the two people sitting next to him. What do Glitch and Merge get right about you? That slows him down. He looks at Glitch. Then Merge.
DITCH“They know when I'm bullshitting myself.”
And?
DITCH“They tell me.”
And? Ditch shifts in his chair.
DITCH“I trust them.”
Glitch smiles. Ditch immediately points at her.
DITCH“Don't.”
She keeps smiling.
DITCH“Don't make this weird.”
Merge says nothing. Ditch looks at him.
DITCH“You too.”
MERGE“I didn't say anything.”
DITCH“Your face did.”
ONE LAST QUESTION
Who are you in Friends? Ditch answers immediately.
DITCH“Joey.”
Glitch nearly chokes.
GLITCH“You are absolutely not Joey.”
DITCH“Why not?”
GLITCH“Because you want to be Joey.”
Ditch looks at Merge.
DITCH“Joey.”
Merge studies him for a moment.
MERGE“Monica.”
Silence. Ditch stares at him.
DITCH“What the fuck?”
Glitch loses it. Merge continues.
MERGE“Competitive. Impatient. Obsessive when something isn't exactly right. Strong opinions about how things should be done.”
Ditch holds up a hand.
DITCH“Stop.”
Merge ignores him.
MERGE“Difficulty relaxing.”
DITCH“Merge.”
MERGE“Needs to be in control.”
DITCH“MERGE.”
Merge pauses.
MERGE“Should I continue?”
DITCH“No.”
Glitch is laughing too hard to speak. Ditch points at both of them.
DITCH“This interview is over.”
He gets up and walks away. Glitch watches him leave.
GLITCH“Could he be any more Monica?”
From somewhere outside the room:
DITCH“FUCK OFF.”
Interview over.